Welcome to the Gloria Academy, a series of Hogwarts-like white castles in the middle of a city where students wear a punk version of 1700s attire. A red-haired transfer student decides not to wait for his assigned teacher and explores the facilities instead. He’s fierce, impatient, and a passionate boxer exiled from the ring after a bad punch, who finds solace in rock music. A convoluted series of events involving a bearded doctor giving him the hope of a cure if he came to this school has resulted in him getting a scholarship. Gloria Academy is certainly colorful: The man with the most complicated white-purple-pink-white haircut on Earth, featuring two ponytails, uses him to escape a bunch of fangirls. Then, a blond guy with square glasses thinks that the best answer to red hair’s “Hey, you! Where is the sports building?” is a lesson in how he is a rude plebeian. The staff doesn’t know he is supposed to be there, either. When the teacher finally catches up with him, he learns that his scholarship has to do with music, not sports, and that he is to be “Beethoven.” He rejects this, bringing upon himself the ire of “Mozart,” a purple-eyed, purple-haired student. Beethoven decides to settle this like a gentleman, dedicating to his rival an improvised rock song that opens with the first notes of the Ninth Symphony, and continues with 3D effects, a phoenix, fire, and fantasy boxing sequences. “What is even there to live for?” he croons. You wanna get nuts, Mozart? Let’s get nuts!

Well, that was absolutely bonkers. Where do I even begin? I think anime and music, whether classical or modern, are perfect for each other: It’s been years, but I distinctly remember the Rondo Capriccioso from My Lie in April, or Chihaya’s Aoi Tori in The Idolm@ster, or Bocchi’s heroic guitar. Those were powerful, emotional musical numbers that perfectly echoed the struggles of the protagonists with the help of poignant inner monologues and striking animation. I think modern musicians interested in the classics are interesting, too. An anime about the OG Beethoven would be something to behold. A music school anime I could get into. Nevertheless, the level of insanity is very high with this one: Artists can be explosive, but it’s like the whole episode’s logic is overflowing with teen drama. The OP happens ten minutes in, so at first I thought it was the ending. The story about the doctor makes my head spin. The songs are insanely angsty: “Burn bright, song of revenge!” The slim bishojo musicians “Chopin,” “Mozart,” “Liszt,” and “Beethoven” scream at each other, the teacher blanks out in the middle of a sentence, and the facilities themselves look like something out of a tall tale. If all of this doesn’t get in the way of your enjoyment, or you genuinely enjoy this kind of music, perhaps you’ll find something to like here. But yeah, not for me. Also, where is Bach?

Classic★Stars can be streamed on Crunchyroll.