Does anyone think of “vulnerability” and “trust” when they think of Christmas? Perhaps not, especially when we turn toward anime, which emphasizes the holiday as an occasion for romance. At first glance, Kimi no Todoke’s season three Christmas episode (not to be confused with season one’s) seems to fit the lovey-dovey mold, as not one but two couples are set up for some deeper romantic revelation on the most important evening of any shoujo series. But there’s another story unfolding here too: Ayane’s. She’s the supportive friend whose disappointing minute-long relationship with Mogi frames season three. Her story touches on romance, but on something deeper, too, as the tale turns to vulnerability and trust, revealing the real heart of Christmas.
Of course, this is shoujo, so the overall framing of the series is romantic, with the heaviest focus on the dance between Shota and Sawako who, though they are now dating, are nevertheless struggling in their relationship. Speaking of struggles, Chizu and Ryu are facing their own challenges with Ryu finally confessing and Chizu emphatically turning him down, though it’s plain to everyone that she really does love him too. The expectation in this Christmas episode is that one or two of these couples will experience some romantic revelation and draw nearer to one another.
The surprise of the episode, however, is the shift near the very end from those two couples toward Ayane, who recently broke up with Mogi. In the previous episodes, Mogi asked Ayane out, claiming more than once that she was “his type of girl”—codename for “easy.” In a moment of solitude on their school trip, and after barely saying two words to her during the entire course of their relationship, Mogi started to passionately kiss her. Ayane, who is typically okay engaging in superficial relationships with men who only have a physical interest in her, does something unexpected—she pushes Mogi away and breaks up with him. This is a big deal for Ayane, who is kind of surprised at her own reaction, not quite understanding why she stopped Mogi. It’s so unlike her.
During the run up to Christmas, Ayane continues to think about this breakup, while a different boy also has her mind spinning. The flirty and popular Kento has been pursuing Ayane, but he’s made it clear that, unlike Mogi, he likes Ayane for her heart rather than just her body.
Seems like just what she needs, right?
Hold on a second there.
As Ayane admits, she doesn’t trust people easily, and that goes doubly for romantic relationships; her M.O. has been to let boys and older men take advantage of her, while she pours herself into a small group of friends who display an authenticity she finds comforting. Ayane always puts her friends’ happiness ahead of her own, which is demonstrated in how she treats romance: she’ll let boys in but only to a skin-deep level. She won’t open herself up to the genuine article, a relationship where she lets the man see her true self and either love her in return or risk the possibility of rejection.
So Kento has a challenge ahead of him; however, he is unrelenting. He sees who Ayane truly is and falls in love with that person. Originally introduced in the series as somewhat of a playboy, he’s revealed to be a tender and warm-hearted person. Indeed, his soft, gentle voice perfectly captures his true nature. He sees the “real person” underneath the facade and loves the person accordingly. For instance, when Kazehaya is struggling to live up to the expectations he thinks everyone, including Sawako, has of him, Kento prods him to confront those feelings and show his true self.
Ayane begins to see what Kento is really like by the company he keeps. The gaggle of girls constantly surrounding Kento aren’t mean and jealous, as the trope would go, but rather inviting and kind to Ayane; they explain to her that Kento is a warm guy who has never tried to take advantage of any of them. By the Christmas episode, even Ayane, who holds fewer people close to her than she has fingers on her right hand, admits that Kento is a “nice guy.”
But that’s still not enough to break through the self-protection she’s put in place. Ayane is afraid to accept Kento’s feelings, literally running away from him again and again.
Have you ever felt like Ayane? I have—not so much in romance, but rather in the sense of a more general fear of relational failure. I grew up shying away from the spotlight, lest I show the world that I wasn’t as great as the image of myself I had built up in my mind. I was so afraid of people laughing at me that I wouldn’t raise my hand in class to answer questions. I refused to try out for sports teams, and wouldn’t join in conversations unless I felt very intimate with those involved.
I’m no longer like that. The me now looks entirely different from the me then. I can trace the change to a church event during college, one where I publicly professed my faith in Christ. I can still feel the fear of that night—all eyes were on me as I bowed down, raised my hand, and admitted in front of dozens and dozens of people who knew me that, actually, I was a failure and my facade was hiding a messy and broken interior. I needed Christ. It was the most vulnerable I had ever been and it scared me to death. But it was worth it—telling Christ that I loved him for saving me outweighed my lifelong fear. I trusted Jesus not only as Lord that night but also with my vulnerability. In hindsight, the scarier thing for me to trust him with wasn’t the grand commitment of “my heart,” but rather sharing my fears.
On Christmas Eve, Ayane reaches a moment like this, too—one where she ultimately has to decide whether it’s worth it to be vulnerable. Life had taught her that she could only trust a very small group of people and that men who were interested in her romantically were not among them. How can she trust Kento, who isn’t satisfied with something surface-level but is asking her to trust him with her heart? By dating him, Ayane wouldn’t just be taking a step forward—she would be plunging off a cliff of vulnerability hoping that some safety net below that she had never seen would catch her.
And so, despite romance in the air and Ayane being seated next to Kento at the class’ Christmas karaoke club party, it doesn’t seem likely that her heart will change. After all, she’s ignored Kento multiple times in the episode already, like when she gave the briefest of responses to his warm greeting in the hallway earlier in the day before stomping away. And at the Christmas party, she continues to give him the cold shoulder. She’s not about to change a lifetime of protecting her heart because of Kento’s dogged pursuit. But a series of events challenges her so much that the building feelings in her heart finally do burst.
While using the restroom, Kento bumps into Mogi. There’s a buzz in the air because despite Kento speaking to him with the same inviting tone he always uses, there have been little hints that the usually calm boy is boiling underneath the surface. The glances he’s stolen at Mogi in previous episodes and a conversation Kento had with Ayane in which he detected that she was burying hurt deep inside reveal a growing anger in him toward Mogi. And the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Kento had prepared a gift of flowers for Ayane, but they were crushed during the party, which is the reason Kento left it momentarily. But instead of gathering himself in the restroom, Kento meets Mogi there. It’s a recipe for disaster.
As they talk after exiting, Mogi reveals that he was in effect kissing Ayane so that he could brag to his friends about it. When Mogi explains that his actions were fine because Ayane wasn’t hurt by them anyway, an image flashes in Kento’s mind. He remembers Ayane discussing the breakup and appearing distraught but playing it cool so as not to appear vulnerable. It’s at this moment that Kento loses it. The hitherto always-calm boy slugs Mogi, knocking him down and hitting him a few more times before Pin—the homeroom teacher who serendipitously happens upon the class party—intervenes. He pulls Kento off of Mogi and, having always kept a close eye on his students and particularly Ayane, quickly surmises the situation. Pin goes to Mogi, who despite a bloody nose claims he’s alright, and convinces Kento—who looks aghast at what he’s done—to escape to the rooftop to avoid potentially irreversible consequences. Ayane comes upon the scene just a moment after Kento flees and quickly puts two and two together; Pin points her to the rooftop and Ayane hurries up the stairs to see Kento.
On the rooftop, Kento appears contemplative. He’s returned to his senses. When Ayane opens the door, the first thing Kento does is the very thing he always does—he worries for her. In a pleading and sincere voice, he exclaims that it’s too cold for Ayane to be outside without a coat. Yes, there’s the Kento that we all know, the one who puts others above himself, who treats women with respect, who will surely apologize to Mogi later, and who cares deeply for Ayane. He is the Kento that Ayane has come to know, a deeply caring boy who sees Ayane’s heart and treasures it.
And as Ayane stares upward at Kento, it all finally clicks for her. As misguided as he was in using them, Kento’s bloodied knuckles demonstrate his defense of her heart. The crumbled bouquet he holds in the same hand shows his unrelenting desire to be with her, despite her rejection. And his words of caring once again demonstrate to Ayane that he really is different from all the boys before—he wants her heart. And so, Ayane makes the decision: she will not run anymore. Kento is worth her trust. He is worth being vulnerable for.
Ayane steps up to the landing and embraces Kento, who shares his heart for her. This time, Ayane accepts him.
As they embrace, a song plays in the background:
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
‘Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
“Silent Night” and the Christmas story itself focus on a vulnerable trio in the lowest of circumstances: a poor, young, ostracized woman; a husband who is possibly dealing with trust issues of his own and who may now be a laughingstock in his community; and the weakest of all, a baby, born in a dirty manger. Christmas, you see, is all about being vulnerable. Like Ayane, it begs us to open our hearts up to an unrelenting love, to push away the fears and failures of the past for something beautiful and new. It tells us of a lover who will go to battle and defeat the pains of our past and make himself vulnerable, too, because he sees our hearts and tells us that we are worth pursuing no matter how many times we flee from him.
This Christmas, may you feel a love worth being vulnerable for—and may you remember that Jesus’ love, expressed during this season, is about him being vulnerable for us, too.
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[…] Todoke (Eps. 22, 42, 43) – “Christmas” [1, 2, 3], “Christmas Party” [1], “Happy […]