As I’m writing this piece, a headache is roaring through my head. It is the result, probably, of allergies, but there’s a voice in my mind that says nope, it’s not that. It’s actually because of all the stress and bad decisions that have crept up on me and today, finally, reared their ugly heads.
I’ve been MIA for the last two weeks or so—maybe you didn’t know notice here because of all the fine articles by our other BtT writers—mostly due to vacation. But increasingly, I’m not able to enjoy vacations. When you’re an adult, and a parent, they become hard because you’re in charge of all the fun…which is not fun at all.
But more than that, obligations weighed on my mind. I’m in a position at work now where I’m never really on break, which is usually okay with me. But this much time away has left a lot of time-sensitive items on my desk, and the pressure to complete it, combined with a perfect storm of family life stuff (family illnesses, babies on the way, church responsibilities), have put me in a sulky mood.
Add to that a most unusual pressure—the desire to watch new anime episodes for fear of missing out (FOMO), and further, because I want stuff to write about! But at home, there’s nothing less I want to do than to watch the most recent episodes of shows that I’m not really crazy about, like After the Rain, Darling in the Franxx, and Cardcaptor Sakura, and I don’t want to think too hard and analyze shows I am really enjoying, like March Comes in Like a Lion and Silver Spoon (rewatch) so that I can have material on which to write.
I think the answer to all this is time. I’ve carved out a life where I try not to take on too much, or rather, where I take on just a little too much, just enough to challenge myself and push myself into being a better person. Once I get back to that, to the old norm, I’ll be okay. But I also realize this—when life is a bit out of control, I really want to control it, and right now I can’t. My hope is that this time, as overwhelming as it feels, leads to good, to a surrender I know I need to give, of myself and my pride. That’s the bigger fear to conquer, and one, thankfully, that happens when I choose not to conquer it at all.