I feel as if I’m a semi-dormant volcano, ready to boil over and explode any time – not in anger, but in want of venting. I hesitate to blog about it, because I don’t want the subject of this frustration to become known, but I do think maybe this is the best medium for me to let out my feelings.
When I first started this blog, not too long ago, I sent out an interview request to my very favorite voice actress. The interview, I felt, was going to be terrific if she accepted, since her interests deeply coincided with the very purpose of my blog. I didn’t expect an answer, but I got one almost immediately – and it was a YES! I was estatic, on cloud nine, and all that jazz. You can ask my wife – I was in a really good mood for at least a week. Luckily, my work was going to lead me near where this actress lives twice in the coming weeks – PERFECT.
Ready to interview…GO!
I wrote back and she was slower in responding, but she did say she would get back to me once her schedule was more set. Weeks passed without a response. I sent one more email as my first trip approached; she didn’t respond. Well…”that’s okay,” I thought. I still had one more opportunity. I wrote again. Again, no response, and like an autumn wind carrying away the leaves of a live oak, my chance at doing a live interview has floated away as I went on my second trip.
Why hasn’t she responded? I’m all flummoxed.
What had led this woman to suddenly stop interacting with me? The tone of my emails was congenial, I thought, but perhaps she found me unprofessional or…gasp…creepy. She could have also looked at my blog (which she volunteered to) and found it lacking, and thus decided not to waste her time. If her reasons had to do with not wanting to waste time, I feel she should have emailed me back. If she felt unsafe, well, I can’t fault her for ignoring me. And, maybe I just shouldn’t be so sensitive. Really, don’t people who conduct far more interviews than me deal with this often? No big deal, right?
But still, even if that’s the case…I can’t let it go. I felt angry at first, and then, just wounded. Hurt. Pained.
I’m that type of person who doesn’t like it when others don’t like me. I was the nerd in school who never got picked on and in fact, who was friends with the popular kids cause I was nice. I’m the person who had a gazillion girl friends (as opposed to girlfriends) because I listened well and cared about what they had to say. But now, suddenly, a person of some value to me shut me out, perhaps because she felt I was creepy. Ughhh…
Why doesn’t she like me? 🙁
The thing is, I don’t think she’s wrong to do what she did. I don’t know her reasons, but she’s valid in making her choice. But I still stand here, hurt by the experience, a month after my planned trip. Why?
Well, it boils down to one word: pride. The feeling that we deserve something, that we’re entitled to certain things. Our pride is hurt when we feel others respond to us in an undeserved manner.
But what do I deserve, really? I hoped that she would remain courteous to me, and that she would follow through on the interview. But did I deserve her word, respect or opening up of herself? The answer, to me, is NO. Who am I to expect others to honor me? I’m a hypocrite, I’m judgmental, and, believe me, if you could see my thoughts, you’d think I was vile.
What do I deserve? What do you deserve? What do any of us deserve? I’m not sure…but I believe if we humbled ourselves a bit and realized in action what we probably know, which is that we aren’t the center of the universe, life might be a little less aggravating. A little less frustrating. A little less hurtful.
The Bible is clear that the God blesses the humble and does not honor the proud. When I think in terms of how small I am compared to an all-powerful God, and also that I could nothing to save myself, but my King died for me so that I might live, even though I did nothing to deserve this sacrifice, it’s easy to to forget my pride. As soon as life gets in the way again, though, I return and Christ, who is supposed to live in me, diminishes in my life.
And so, I don’t even have to say, “I forgive you, Miss So and So.” All I need to say is that, “I’m disappointed, and my hopes were dashed, but it’s okay. Let’s move on.”
I feel a little better writing this. Was this a cathartic post? Maybe not fully…but it definitely helped to write and to let myself go.
Let the pride go and be myself again…
Note: Minorin is about the greatest character in anime history. That is all.