I feel as if I’m a semi-dormant volcano, ready to boil over and explode any time – not in anger, but in want of venting. I hesitate to blog about it, because I don’t want the subject of this frustration to become known, but I do think maybe this is the best medium for me to let out my feelings.
When I first started this blog, not too long ago, I sent out an interview request to my very favorite voice actress. The interview, I felt, was going to be terrific if she accepted, since her interests deeply coincided with the very purpose of my blog. I didn’t expect an answer, but I got one almost immediately – and it was a YES! I was estatic, on cloud nine, and all that jazz. You can ask my wife – I was in a really good mood for at least a week. Luckily, my work was going to lead me near where this actress lives twice in the coming weeks – PERFECT.
Ready to interview…GO!
I wrote back and she was slower in responding, but she did say she would get back to me once her schedule was more set. Weeks passed without a response. I sent one more email as my first trip approached; she didn’t respond. Well…”that’s okay,” I thought. I still had one more opportunity. I wrote again. Again, no response, and like an autumn wind carrying away the leaves of a live oak, my chance at doing a live interview has floated away as I went on my second trip.
Why hasn’t she responded? I’m all flummoxed.
What had led this woman to suddenly stop interacting with me? The tone of my emails was congenial, I thought, but perhaps she found me unprofessional or…gasp…creepy. She could have also looked at my blog (which she volunteered to) and found it lacking, and thus decided not to waste her time. If her reasons had to do with not wanting to waste time, I feel she should have emailed me back. If she felt unsafe, well, I can’t fault her for ignoring me. And, maybe I just shouldn’t be so sensitive. Really, don’t people who conduct far more interviews than me deal with this often? No big deal, right?
But still, even if that’s the case…I can’t let it go. I felt angry at first, and then, just wounded. Hurt. Pained.
Anger rising…
I’m that type of person who doesn’t like it when others don’t like me. I was the nerd in school who never got picked on and in fact, who was friends with the popular kids cause I was nice. I’m the person who had a gazillion girl friends (as opposed to girlfriends) because I listened well and cared about what they had to say. But now, suddenly, a person of some value to me shut me out, perhaps because she felt I was creepy. Ughhh…
Why doesn’t she like me? 🙁
The thing is, I don’t think she’s wrong to do what she did. I don’t know her reasons, but she’s valid in making her choice. But I still stand here, hurt by the experience, a month after my planned trip. Why?
Well, it boils down to one word: pride. The feeling that we deserve something, that we’re entitled to certain things. Our pride is hurt when we feel others respond to us in an undeserved manner.
But what do I deserve, really? I hoped that she would remain courteous to me, and that she would follow through on the interview. But did I deserve her word, respect or opening up of herself? The answer, to me, is NO. Who am I to expect others to honor me? I’m a hypocrite, I’m judgmental, and, believe me, if you could see my thoughts, you’d think I was vile.
What do I deserve? What do you deserve? What do any of us deserve? I’m not sure…but I believe if we humbled ourselves a bit and realized in action what we probably know, which is that we aren’t the center of the universe, life might be a little less aggravating. A little less frustrating. A little less hurtful.
The Bible is clear that the God blesses the humble and does not honor the proud. When I think in terms of how small I am compared to an all-powerful God, and also that I could nothing to save myself, but my King died for me so that I might live, even though I did nothing to deserve this sacrifice, it’s easy to to forget my pride. As soon as life gets in the way again, though, I return and Christ, who is supposed to live in me, diminishes in my life.
And so, I don’t even have to say, “I forgive you, Miss So and So.” All I need to say is that, “I’m disappointed, and my hopes were dashed, but it’s okay. Let’s move on.”
I feel a little better writing this. Was this a cathartic post? Maybe not fully…but it definitely helped to write and to let myself go.
Let the pride go and be myself again…
Note: Minorin is about the greatest character in anime history. That is all.
I once read that ‘agape’ love (translated as “charity” in many old texts) can be thought of as “believing the best of others”. Thinking “she’s busy” or “she forgot” instead of “she’s slighting me” or “she must think I’m scum”.
So how does a Christian get to this vaunted state? I think the beginning of 2 Peter holds the answer:
Starting with faith (believing God), out of this grows virtue (the desire to do what is right). From this springs the seeking out of knowledge (discovering what is right). Knowing what is right, you attempt to exercise it (self-control) and continue doing so (steadfastness). From this continued practice grows godliness, and with godliness, a love for other Christians. And as you begin to love others like you, it makes it easier to love everyone. To view them with kind and forgiving eyes, believing the best of them.
Of course, this can (and will) get you burned by people. But isn’t that one of the overall dangers of the Christian experience: living life in this world based on the dictates of an invisible God, rather than “what is best for me” and worldly wisdom? Much of the time, doing this directly results in good things for us. Other times, we are wounded – harmed in some way, and suffer. And isn’t it this very suffering that brings us closer to God (Rom 8:17, Gal 3:4), and allows us to grow in faith (Rom 5:3-4)?
You are right, of course: humility will protect you from feeling angry when people slight you. But believing that someone is not slighting you when there is the possibility that they are not will do the same, and it doesn’t impute wrong intents to another. I suppose if you start feeling like Fuura Kafuka from Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, you’ve gone from choosing to act and believe in others with agap to attempting to deceive yourself into something you know is not true. There does come a time when you need to man up and deal with the fetid nature of man, but agape love can provide an insulating layer of optimism you may find refreshing.
Thanks for the awesome reply.
Yeah, I wanted to focus my post on the idea of pride – but that only covers one facet of my response to why she ended up deciding against the interview. After all, she could just be MEAN. I don’t believe is true, judging by my other experiences with her and by what I’ve seen of her character.
But if she simply did burn me out of something “inexcusable,” I should simply forgive. But isn’t this the hardest part of the Christian walk? To truly forgive others? In this scenario, though, it really isn’t so hard, because in the end, this is a pretty trivial matter. For larger issues, such as a broken relationship with someone intimate, forgiveness becomes more difficult.
As for loving others with Godly eyes, this is very true. In fact, I think this is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have, and it’s something I typically (though not perfectly) try to demonstrate in my own life. We use words like naive or innocent often with a negative connotation, but when we reflect these qualities out of a Godly love, particularly when understanding (to an extent) the grace God has extended us, I think this is a most beautiful way to live life. When we get burned by living this way, as we often will, it’s an opportunity for us to extend grace all the further. It’s a cycle of love, rather than the typical cycle of viciousness that we often see in society today.
I think God wanted to emphasize my ever-growing pride in this little event in my life, but through you, perhaps he’s also reminding me to love, no matter the consequences.
Thanks for the insights!
While I’m tempted to respond that “forgiveness is a choice”, for a Christian it’s a mandate. R.C. Sproul related a situation in his schooling experience where a professor asked “Why should we [be baptized]?” (I think that was the topic). His querulous answer was “Because God asks us to?”. He goes on to say how his professor ironically stated “Is that all? That the Soverign God, Creator of the Universe, demands it from us? Sounds like a pretty good reason to me.”
Forgiveness is much the same. We don’t “feel” like forgiving people. Forgiving is releasing someone from their sin debt towards us, as we feel it. “I should *get them back* for that…” is how you feel. “They deserve [insert retribution here]…”. Forgiveness is releasing that person of the debt we feel they have to us, and acting as though that debt were in fact repaid already.
We have good reason to forgive, aside from “just a command” from God. In Matthew 18:22-35, we are told that we will be “delivered to the jailers” if we do not “forgive [our] brother from [our] heart”. Scripture also says:
A strong statement: one that may make you wrestle with your own theology.
But the reason for this response: I wanted to relate a story about forgiving a broken relationship. One day, I found out that my wife, the mother of my young daughter, was cheating on me with her male friend. She would go to visit him, stay over at his house. She played online games with him. I called her up (she was at his house with our daughter, “visiting” him; she had vehemently defender her “male friend” relationship with him in the past) and confronted her about it. I remember what she said to me, and what I did afterwards. “Clue in, Adam”, she said with disdain. After more words were said, I broke the phone I was holding in my hand and put my fist through my daughter’s easel. I went into the bathroom and took a picture of myself in the mirror, grief on my face and tears in my eyes. I went up into the bedroom and rolled around in turmoil for a little while, then quieted down. I shaved my head. Then I went prostrate on the bed and said “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away: blessed be the name of the Lord”. And I forgave her.
Not an easy thing to do. But not really a choice, either. Her saying “Clue in” to me is telling in this context: I had chosen to believe her; to believe the best of her. And I was betrayed. But suffering while doing what is right is laudable in the eyes of the Lord.
Thank you for sharing your story…it’s powerful and telling of what God can do in us and how God asks for our obedience in all situations, not just when it’s convenient. Goodness…I don’t think I could do the same. In fact, I’m sure it would take me longer to forgive – my faith isn’t there yet.
Well…normal people generally dont like religious freaks, so maybe your zealotry turned her off.
Oh… I get what you mean! It’s not about voice actresses or anything like that sort, it’s just some friendship problems that I’ve encountered that happens along the same lines as yours.
It’s more towards people making “promises” with you, but ending up breaking them, or not even giving a proper answer despite all the efforts of you trying to get to them. It really leaves you puzzled, thinking why are they treating you like that!
The Minorins that are posted in this post really brightens up the day. It has been so long since I’ve last seen her!
I think the idea you brought up makes a good idea for another entire post. 😛
I thought I hit a gold mine when I found the pictures – I didn’t realize how popular she was. I love these pictures, and there were some other great ones I didn’t put up!
Oh my goodness! I realize that this is now quite old, but I can understand your excitement and disappointment as Yui Horie is also my favourite seiyuu. As well, I can relate to the highschool experience you’ve described. Is she still your favourite after all these years?
Oh, my, old posts like this make me cringe haha. Although I used Minori Kushieda illustrations (favorite character!) and Yui Horie is my favorite seiyuu (was and still is!), I was actually referring to an American VA in this article (who will remain nameless). In fact, I’ve been in touch again with her over the last few months and am trying to cultivate relationship. We’ll see how it goes! 🙂
Huh… seems that went over my head, haha.
You aren’t the only one, I’m sure!
I finish Tora Dora and is wrong for me to care about Minori more than the main characters? I can shake her!
No, that’s absolutely the CORRECT reaction! 😀